Emotions Not Emergencies: The Importance of Emotional Experiences

Assuming their basic needs are met, children are naturally emotionally contained by their environment. However, life happens—stress and challenges arise, such as loss, transgressions, or upcoming challenges—and kids will feel emotions!

It’s normal to feel emotions when life hits. It’s also normal to experience feelings without any identifiable cause because emotions are processed in unconscious parts of the brain. They are a natural part of being human. Treating emotions like emergencies and trying to damp them down or getting out of them could be a bad idea.

You can imagine so many scenarios where adults have a strong, reactive response to kids' emotions. See it in your minds eye. The situations you have observed again and again. An adult trying to calm a child down repeatedly, placating a child, or being harsh with a child. All of this because of the adults' discomfort with the child's emotions. It is though the adult has little capacity for the child's feelings. They fear what will happen, and they react out of that fear.

The adult fears my fall under these categories:

Will they judge me?

Will they think I am doing a bad job?

Is this experience going to traumatize the child?

Is there something very wrong with this child?

Is this child going to become unruly?

Will people judge this child for this emotional outburst?

Will this child never stop?

Can I stand these emotions?

Will the child be a chronic disruption?

Will I get calls or complaints about all of the emotions expressed here?

Emotional growth occurs when children are allowed to experience their emotions. Instead of quashing these feelings as pathological or frightening or something that requires “strategies” or escape, kids should be allowed to feel them. The more they can effectively immerse themselves in their emotions and be allowed to feel, the greater their emotional capacity will grow.

I know this is where everyone wants to say, "How much is too much?"

In my experience, as their capacity for emotion related stress increases, they'll naturally become more regulated within that broader emotional range. When they are able to have an experience where they environment is boundaried and nurturing, not enabling, overreacting, or over-controlling; successfully enduring stress related to their emotions becomes more likely.

Experience with emotion related stress can increase capacity for emotions and stress.

Rethinking Emotional Support: Language Matters

When working with professionals or healthcare providers, it’s essential to watch their language. Terms like “self-regulation,” “coping,” and “calming” often reflect approaches aimed at helping kids reactively calm down. They usually use words like "strategies" and "self regulation" which generally means "down regulation" which means "calm down." And they usually explain that this is critical so the child can then "explain" what they need. I will not get into the developmental concerns - why it would be a naive choice to ask the child to explain why they feel what they feel or what they need to resolve the situation leading to the feelings. Let's just pivot to this for now: Many of the patients who I have seen in my private practice have suffered harm from these varied methods that overtly attempt down-regulation of emotions. Intense emotions with intense reactions do not generally improve until patients internalize a healthier message about emotions. Once they embrace the existential realities of their feelings and honor their humanity, things tend to shift. They courageously face and stay in their feelings, rather than try to quash them or distance from them. And ironically, as a result, they become more settled emotionally over time.

Emotions can be stressful to experience and so it is critical kids aren’t chronically, severely stressed before diving into strong emotions. That typically creates more problems. Because chronic and severe stress can result in irritability, relationships challenges, and even tax and injure a human system. But the problem there isn't the emotions. Emotions are simply a signal that the environment is failing the child. So the solution is not to calm down the child or seek answers from the child. The solution is the deal with the chronic severe stress if that is present.

Instead of chronically stressing kids out with educational and other forms of neglect, waiting for them to feel, then focusing on reactive coping strategies that try to bring down stress reactively, we can take another path.

We should support kids by proactively addressing foundational needs. These include sleep, nutrition, exercise, learning needs, and nurturance. They also require opportunities for stress-related growth - to be primed and prepared to feel stress in general. Taking this proactive approach is much more effective at naturally “regulating” the system than relying on reactive, fear-driven methods.

Nurturance Includes an Environment That Supports Healthy Emotional Development

When children are nurtured in environments that prioritize emotional validation, they learn to process feelings constructively. This includes experiencing sadness, anger, joy, and everything in between. Each emotion has its place and contributes to a child's overall development.

When kids have loving skilled caregivers in their lives, when faced with stress, their amygdala will naturally down regulate just by seeing the image of the caregiver. In other words, just the presence of a caring adult leader helps regulate. There are no words that can replace that sort of skilled caregiving - that loving leader in a child’s life.

And we know that stressful emotions in a person's life also cause a natural regulating process when exposed to stressors. And people with the capacity to be in their emotions without acting out are less likely to engage emotion driven behavior in the future. So it is advisable to stress kids appropriately with high expectations and boundaries - allowing them to feel while engaging prosocial and positive behaviors. Strong adult leaders offer such advantages to kids in terms of their emotions.

The Role of Adults: Responding to Emotional Needs

It’s crucial for adults to be mindful of how they respond to children’s emotions. The way adults react can significantly impact a child's emotional growth. Nonverbal cues that convey confidence in children’s emotional strength and capacity can make a profound difference.

Adults should exercise restraint in moments that call for trust and patience. This supportive atmosphere encourages kids to embrace their feelings rather than shy away from them. The process is shaped not only by the actions adults take but also by how they respond to a child's emotional expressions.

Building Emotional Awareness

Encouraging emotional awareness starts with adult communications about emotions - how adults feel, express, and behave in the midst of emotions. Parents and caregivers can name their own feelings and validate the child’s emotions. This helps children articulate what they are going through instead of suppressing it.

Finding Proactive Solutions

By shifting the focus from reactive methods to proactive solutions, we can create environments where children feel emotional courage. This includes ensuring they have adequate sleep, balanced nutrition, and regular physical activity.

Opportunities for social interactions and stress-related growth also play vital roles. By prioritizing these foundational aspects, we can help nurture emotionally resilient children.

Conclusion: Redefining the Narrative Around Childhood Emotions

Let’s redefine the narrative surrounding children's emotions. It's time to emphasize proactive support rather than fear. We can equip children to face their emotions with courage and strength.

By implementing these changes, we can foster a generation that embraces their humanity. They will learn that all emotions serve a purpose and can lead to greater emotional capacity and resilience.

For further reading on emotions, consider checking out "The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life" by Joseph Ledoux. It provides valuable insights into the intricacies of emotional experiences and brain function.

References

• Ledoux, J. (1998). The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. Simon & Schuster.

• Oshri, A., Cui Z, Carvalho C, Liu S. (2022). Is perceived stress linked to enhanced cognitive functioning and reduced risk for psychopathology? Testing the hormesis hypothesis. Psychiatry Res, 314:114644. doi: 10.1016/j.psychres.2022.114644.

• Schweizer, S., Walsh, N. D., Stretton, J., Dunn, V. J., Goodyer, I. M., & Dalgleish, T. (2016). Enhanced emotion regulation capacity and its neural substrates in those exposed to moderate childhood adversity. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 11(2), 272–281. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsv109.