Emotion Isn’t the Enemy of Learning

People seem to want kids to be emotionally neutral in the classroom. The idea is that if they aren’t emotionally settled or calm (aka emotionally regulated), then they cannot learn. But cognitive processing does not require emotional neutrality. People are always thinking and feeling—emotion is not a barrier to learning (Pessoa, 2013). In many situations, it is a part of learning. Adults habitually trying to get kids “regulated” by teaching them “self-regulation strategies” are targeting the wrong population in the wrong way. Even in those extreme and rare situations where psychological distancing from emotion generating stimuli would be warranted, a child may find this sort of distraction in an engaging classroom with high quality and well-scaffolded instruction or a book.

The Misguided Push for Emotional Neutrality

Calm down or “emotion regulation” (aka down-regulation) plans are found in social-emotional learning (SEL) curricula in schools and are espoused by armchair therapists and licensed mental health providers alike. Some down-regulation plans are more subtle (e.g., providing reassurance to self or others), and others more overt (e.g., rescuing from natural consequences, pausing instruction to walk, take deep breaths). Calm down plans are even found in some evidence-based treatments, available as a strategy or tool (e.g., DBT distress tolerance skills, CBT cognitive restructuring skills). What is less available in schools, homes, and communities? The ingredients that are thought to help people thrive!

Pushing for Emotional Neutrality Is Backwards

Moving away from emotions can move us away from the wisdom that emotions offer. Emotions should not be seen as dangerous, or as a hindrance or annoyance, but a sign of kids’ humanity—a metaphorical lighthouse guiding them. A push for emotional neutrality could be damaging because emotions guide morality in kids (Arsenio et al., 2010).

Attempts at emotional suppression actually maintain mental illness. Suppressing emotional expression and other attempts to calm down (rather than courageously feeling) are linked to clinical anxiety (Abdollahi et al., 2022; Abramowitz, 2018; Lebowitz, 2019).

Down-regulation is the opposite of what works to thrive. Our gold-standard treatment, which is about diving into emotionally charged situations, is the exact opposite of avoidance or placating (Abramowitz, 2018).

One thing seems clear: parents, educators, and mental health providers are embedded in a culture that is both anxious and avoidant of emotions. We as a society are reinforcing and maintaining our reticence and fear rather than moving toward courage and growth. The escape culture is in our mental health industry and schools. According to leading clinical scientist Michelle Craske and her colleagues, as few as 20% of providers in the community engage our gold-standard care, which would include gradually exposing oneself to difficult and painful experiences and refraining from emotional escape.

Imagine a Child Struggling with OCD

We often say in clinical circles, “Children with anxiety must do all of the same things as the other kids.” Why? Because avoidance from everyday tasks maintains avoidance of everyday tasks. Avoidance reinforces avoidance. Over-accommodating anxiety by making accommodations so the child or teen does not feel discomfort maintains OCD.

Avoiding schoolwork because of anxiety in this case doesn’t make sense. If a child or teen washes their hands repeatedly as a way to cope with their anxiety, and if there is an instance where they want to wash their hands to get more comfortable before doing their math, for example, I would want them to postpone handwashing. Do math. That is the treatment, actually. Feeling uncomfortable is the treatment, whereas doing things to gain emotional neutrality is contraindicated and would be expected to create more flares in a mental health condition.

There Is Always Some Truth to a Myth: The Case of Trauma

There is a reason the less useful ingredients—those that block thriving—are used in clinics, homes, and schools. Let me give examples to explain:

Emotional flooding in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event may temporarily impair a person’s functioning due to shock. But these are rare exceptions, not the norm. But school policies, programs, and narratives approach kids as though the majority of them are walking around schools following an extreme traumatic exposure, unable to access schoolwork. But again, the response is still too alarmist, as any good trauma response actually includes getting back to one’s routine. Escape from the school day, from routine and from learning is still not usually the correct way to approach childhood development.

Sure, kids with challenging lives may struggle to focus on schoolwork sometimes. But what can usually interfere with learning is not emotion itself, but hypervigilance—typically seen in extreme situations like life-threatening trauma, acute loss, or violence. In those moments, the brain prioritizes physical safety, not academics. People have observed these hypervigilant or motoric behaviors and struggled to emotionally connect with kids manifesting these behaviors. Adults struggle to scafforld the child’s learning, and success in the classroom. “This (calm) then that (schoolwork)” is the adult narrative and experiences, moreso than neurolgical, physiological, and emotional reality for the child.

Even given an extreme such as described above, time in class or reading a book may still be the answer! For example, a child in the midst of high-conflict parental divorce that includes domestic violence may benefit from engaging academic material with their teacher and peers or reading an interesting book. This could offer a helpful shift in focus after exposure to violence or frightening life events. So here is an example of developmental or acute trauma where academics, for example, could provide a bit of emotional distance—other things to think about than the turbulence the child knows.

You may ask, “But is that not avoidance?” Yes, it is, in fact. It is emotional distancing. And while reactive, overt emotional distancing may not be a good idea for long term wellness, it may be necessary in rare, extreme circumstances. In this case, the classroom, homework, or book offers a temporary reprieve—not a strategy for thriving, but a moment of survival. Again, this is not the way to think about prevention or about emotions.

The above example is just one more reason that breaking from schoolwork during the school day because of feelings could still be damaging. Talking about things is not always the answer for healthy functioning. Habit, routine, strong relationships, and academics are part of the solution. Sometimes getting back into life is a healthy choice. Waiting for the child to be calm before engaging schoolwork would not usualy make sense even in the extremes. Leaning into routine - into one’s schoolwork would usually make the most sense in the case of extreme hardship.

I hate to even bring up these examples because of society’s tendency to think in extremes, which are often irrelevant in day-to-day life for most kids. Most often schooling is just that—schooling. Usually, kids don’t need to be distracted from their lives with learning—they simply need to be engaged in it.

School as a Source of Chronic Stress and Emotions

And there is a third possibility—that school is a source of chronic severe stress and painful emotions due to low-quality instruction or materials. In that instance, avoidance of schoolwork is understandable, not because a child needs to calm down, but because the time spent on schoolwork in that instance is wasted time—ineffective and non-productive. In fact, the feelings in the child are indicative that the instruction is of low quality. In this instance, the child should feel the full weight of their feelings—the sadness, anxiety, or anger that stem from the instructors hindering the child from growth. In this instance, kids may feel the full weight of the transgressions that are present as their civil rights are being violated. Because why should schools be demanding hours from a child while not providing an education? When one’s time is wasted and they aren’t making progress toward their goals, feelings are a valuable source of information. Quieting feelings in this instance could only be damaging. It would be a way to shut down important information. And it would be expected to fuel mental illness.

In All Situations, Structure and Engagement Matter

In all situations—from extreme trauma to typical emotionally charged experiences— engaging kids in evidence-based teaching and learning is a good move. Don’t wait for calm. Emotions are not the enemy; and in most situations, emotions may be your friend—they are informative!

The Role of Teacher Emotion

A teacher’s emotional tone may influence students’ attitudes toward learning (McLean, 2025, April)—but that’s not about the student’s emotions. It’s about the teacher’s emotional presence and the student’s buy-in. Emotional warmth supports engagement by fostering trust and motivation—not by suppressing emotion. So, why not teach with warmth? Why wait for calm? Just dive in and teach effectively.

The Cost of Prioritizing Calm Down Plans at the Expense of Academics

In Massachusetts, only 40% of students reach reading proficiency by fourth grade. That’s not a failure of children. And emotions aren’t the reason; emotions are the product of repeated failure in home and school and nobody should be instructed to engage a calm down strategy.

Students need educators who are warm demanders, who engage in high-quality, rigorous instruction. Kids learn, and all the while, develop capacity for stress and emotions. Academic challenge with warm and skilled educators is what kids need, no matter the situation! Some kids may engage faster or slower, life may slow then down. That is okay. And academics can no longer wait. Educators should not be waiting for emotional neutrality in kids.

Conclusion

The myth that children need to be calm to learn is not only misleading but potentially harmful. Emotions play a crucial role in the learning process—and in human evolution. Instead of waiting for calm, educators should embrace emotional expression and create an engaging, high-quality learning environment. For some kids, books may induce feelings; for others, books may soothe feelings. Feelings are not the gauge of whether it is time to learn or if learning can happen. Emotions are a part of being human - a product of living.

References

• Abramowitz, J. S. (2018). Getting over OCD: A 10-step workbook for taking back your life (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

• Arsenio, W. F., & Lemerise, E. A. (Eds.). (2010). Emotions, aggression, and morality in children: Bridging development and psychopathology. American Psychological Association.

• Lebowitz, E. R. (2019). Addressing parental accommodation when treating anxiety in children (ABCT Clinical Practice Series). Oxford University Press.

• Massachusetts Department of Elementary and Secondary Education. (2024). MCAS results.

• McLean, L. (2025, April). Teachers’ emotional transmission affects student engagement. University of Delaware.

• Pessoa, L. (2013). The cognitive-emotional brain: From interactions to integration. MIT Press.