Rethinking Kids' Emotional Wellness: Prioritizing Adult Social-Emotional Learning

We need to focus more on adults' social-emotional learning. The current lack of skills and knowledge among adults in this domain has created a society that doesn't adequately meet the emotional needs of children. Knowledge gaps are evident in the programs adults create and distribute, their direct interactions with kids, and their communications about children's emotions and behavior. Many seem unaware that they can humanistically model and reinforce values daily to establish beneficial norms that support child development. Raising Moxie was developed to address these apparent knowledge and skill gaps in adults.

Adult Proficiency in Evaluating Appropriate Programs

For over a decade, well-meaning adults have promoted various pseudoscientific and poorly investigated programs under the guise of “social-emotional learning” for children and teens (e.g., Leaf et al., 2018; Lodi, et al., 2021). These programs don’t merely encourage kids to behave well or work hard. Rather, children must be reflective, democratic, and self-sacrificing. Because of these programs, it is no longer sufficient to heal after being assaulted; kids are expected to engage in restoring relationships with their assailants. And sadly, instead of following house rules, kids now must negotiate the rules with the adults. Children are expected to anticipate others' thoughts and needs, conform to win peer approval, and camouflage their true selves (Cassidy et al., 2019). Because of pressure from social-emotional programs, kids are not given permission to experience existential angst or disorganization; the programs signal to kids that they must remain optimistic (Seligman et al., 1995) and always well-organized, regardless of feasibility (Zuber et al., 2023). Since the rise in “social-emotional” programs, it is not enough for kids to contribute to a healthy culture by setting a good example - making healthy lifestyle choices and treating others kindly. With the emergence of “suicide prevention” programs, they must also spend countless hours contemplating mental illness, and watching movies about people with histories of self-injury and suicide. We’ve all been reassured that contagion effects are not a concern - are we sure (e.g., Calvo, 2024)? As a result of these many social-emotional programs that have been widely disseminated, children are constantly lectured on how to think and feel, with their socially sanctioned behavior narrowly defined.

We should have high expectations for kids, but the programs being promoted and used reflect expectations that can be held for adults, not children or teens. All adults should know that childhood is about being fully present in the world, not self-constrained, self-directed, or self-controlled (Gray, 2013). Rather, children develop these capacities gradually through life experiences (Bjorklund & Causey, 2017). So, how can we better honor childhood and support kids’ growth in an evidence-based way? That starts with developing strong adult leaders who are knowledgeable, empathic, gracious, self-controlled, and emotionally courageous themselves.

Adult Empathy and Adult Behavior

Adult judgement and impatience is revealed in adults’ emotion-driven behavior. For example, when kids don’t comply immediately, adults might assume defiance and respond by becoming stern or critical, instead of providing scaffolding or following through with appropriate consequences.

When all adults in a child's life slow down, reduce their own emotion-driven behavior, and acknowledge and lead kids’ in a caring, developmentally appropriate way  (Omer, 2021), the results can be quite dramatic. These shifts support kids’ autonomic nervous systems (Alen et al., 2022) and overall well-being (Porges, 2011).

One evidence-based way for adults to show compassion and care is by reflecting kids’ words, noticing when things are going “well,” and acknowledging kids’ contributions. This sounds simple, but is rarely done, and very rarely done well.

Adults' Skills to Communicate Appreciation Towards Kids

As a practicing psychologist, I have observed that, without prompting, adults rarely communicate or specifically praise the many small successes a child attains on their way to adulthood. This likely occurs because adults lack the developmental lens or skill set to observe, capture, or articulate the micro-moments where a child is progressing towards proper socialization.

"Labeled praise" is recognized in the psychological literature and has shown solid positive effects, but adults often praise children in a way that overemphasizes control (Weeland et al., 2022). Furthermore, robust and well-respected teacher- and parent-training programs (Eyberg & Funderburk, 2011) fail to name universal socialization tasks (e.g., sharing, articulating emotions, handling belongings with care, supporting others) and do not explicitly teach adults how to praise children for achieving these specific tasks.

Despite access to numerous tips and tools, even from the most reputable sources, adults still struggle to consistently recognize and mitigate their biases when interacting with children. Without substantial guidance, they tend to revert to their personal habits. Rather than acknowledging and supporting children's development, adults frequently praise behaviors that align with their own preferences and judgments. For example:

• An adult who values order might praise a child for drawing a straight line.

• A caregiver seeking a break might commend a child for being independent.

• Adults concerned about children's social acceptance may praise them for making eye contact or engaging in expected behaviors.

• Adults uncomfortable with painful emotions might praise a child for being emotionally calm or enjoying interactions.

• Adults overly excited about a child's intellect may celebrate them for negotiating with adults.

In practice, much of the socialization process is left to chance, risking children being unseen and under appreciated, which can hijack their self-concept and social-emotional development (Cordeiro et al., 2021).

Adult Confusion About Stress and Emotional Growth

Stress is the physiological strain the body experiences as it attempts to adapt (Lupien, 2012). Like the currents and waves of oceans and rivers, stress reflects the natural movements of life—change, unpredictability, and novelty. These forces are constant, making stress inevitable. It signals that we can mobilize the energy needed to restore balance (Howard & Scott, 1965), and it enhances our learning and performance (Pavlov & LeDoux, 1998; Lupien, 2012). In fact, being alive and thriving requires a tolerance for stress, which supports both cognitive and emotional wellness (Oshri et al., 2022; Schweizer, 2016).

Emotions are adaptive, contagious (Rutan et al., 2014), and multisystemic—they shape and are shaped by physiology, perception, behaviors, and thoughts (Barlow, 2000; APA; Ledoux, 1998; Barrett et al., 2018).

Adults often treat stress and painful emotions as individual flaws rather than relationally embedded phenomena (Campos et al., 2011). They assume these states are inherently negative and attempt to shield children from them. However, such emotional shielding is linked to adverse outcomes (Lebowitz & Omer, 2013; Lebowitz, 2019). Adults frequently deploy adult-oriented down-regulation of emotion (Zaehringer et al., 2020) or clinical techniques (Linehan, 2014a, 2014b) intended to reduce emotional intensity—despite inconsistent effects with these emotion regulation strategies, even in adult populations (Gärtner, Jawinski, & Strobel, 2023). Then these tools are redirected at children to help them feel “calm,” a misguided effort.

Rather than embracing a relational view, adults frequently encourage escape from emotions: leaving the room, rationalizing pain, or replacing sadness or anger with forced positivity. These maneuvers often mirror behaviors associated with mental illness—avoidance (Craske, 2022), suppression, rumination (Aldao, 2010)—and can feel deeply invalidating to children (Linehan, 2014a). In my twenty-two years of combined pre- and post licensure clinical experience, I’ve repeatedly seen children’s emotional lives inadvertently hijacked. Emotional control and calming strategies are widely promoted, and we should be cautious. Especially with children, proactive care rooted in warmth, meeting foundational needs, and holding high expectations is far more developmentally aligned—and supported by a larger body of well-established research.

Especially kids emotional lives are deeply connected to us. From a relational lens, emotions ebb and flow through lived experience (Campos, Walle, & Dahl et al., 2011). Regulation arises through relationships, sensory rhythms, and embodied states—not through cognitive reframing or overt efforts to modify emotion.

Another critical point! Emotion regulation is largely unconscious and overt emotional control is rarely useful, particularly for children (Gotlib & Joormann, 2009). A child may suppress outward expression, but not the emotion itself.

Can ADULTS try to engineer their emotional lives in more individualistic ways? Sure, to some extent. But the emotion regulation literature paints a different picture than the public narrative. The most effective regulation skills aren’t centered on feeling less—they’re about learning to turn toward experience. Regulation means cultivating comfort with inner sensations, growing in awareness and acceptance, and staying engaged—even when emotions feel intense. But also, some of the distancing strategies used by adults—like overt emotional modification—wouldn’t be developmentally appropriate for children (Gotlib & Joormann, 2009). And escape-based techniques aren’t appropriate for anyone.

Take the example of leaving a classroom, when upset: When leaving is framed as a way to reduce emotional intensity, it can suggest that emotions are something to escape. But when regulation is anchored in engagement, we don’t need an overt “strategy.” In the presence of adults who are skills warm demanders, co-regulation just happens. Instead of fleeing emotions, children build the capacity to face them while participating in the world—alongside adults who accept their full emotional range. No running away, no gimmicks or tools—just presence, togetherness, and doing the work in front of us. Feeling what we feel. Empathic. Working. Growing.

And yet “tools” like cognitive restructuring and emotional modification are rampant in schools. Even if these techniques were viable, children lack the neurological maturity for deliberate top-down regulation (Gotlib & Joormann, 2009). Still, schools and therapies often conflate coping with regulation, using scripted “calm-down plans” that suppress intensity rather than build resilience.

What I am communicating is not a novel insight. Affective neuroscience has long shown that regulation emerges from relational attachment—not isolated cognition (Schore, 1994, 2012). And we know from many examples about courage being protective and about stress related growth. It is disheartening that cognitive restructuring and other down-regulation techniques are still widely used with children, despite their disconnect from children's developmental readiness and the lack of these approaches to help kids grow and thrive. Instead of cultivating emotional capacity, these approaches often suppress it (Pauw et al., 2024).

From a relational perspective (Campos et al., 2011), emotions are not flaws to fix—they’re evidence of a brilliant, functioning mind. There is no perfect way to feel. If we’re engineering children's emotional lives just to help them feel less, it’s worth pausing to ask: why?

Where should our focus be?

Emotional capacity—the ability to process and hold emotions—is under-researched and under valued, despite its relevance. Why is it relevant? Because moderate stress helps build that emotional capacity—and within that capacity, natural regulation can emerge (Schweizer, Walsh, & Stretton et al., 2016).

Adults' Misperception Regarding the Source of Misbehavior

Adults often discuss kids as if they exist in isolation, ignoring the influence of their environment. Some mental health providers even argue that parents and educators are not responsible for the behavior or mental wellness of children and teens. But all adults in a young person's life significantly impact the ultimate outcome of a child or teen. Thoughts, emotions, and behaviors do not occur in a vacuum; they emerge from a complex interplay of influences (Baumrind, 1966, 1993; Rothrauff et al., 2009; Parker & Maestripieri, 2011; Palmer, 2022). Adults can mindfully model and humanistically reinforce values daily, thereby establishing beneficial norms.

Imagine one's life experience as a lake: interconnected and influencing everything else. What we do with our lakes affects the rivers of behavior and the sea of emotions. While this is a complex process (Parker & Maestripieri, 2011; Wen et al., 2022), experience's impact on life quality (Demke, 2022) and personality (De Neve, 2013) is indisputably stronger than genetic predispositions.

Our thoughts typically develop through passive learning by observing our environment (Bandura et al., 1961; Bandura, 1969, 1992). Much of our early social learning becomes an integral part of us. Even if our internal responses are extinguished, there's a tendency to revert to old patterns, akin to treading a well-worn path (Keller et al., 2020). This underscores the importance of a nurturing childhood environment. If we aim to cultivate healthy citizens, we must begin by creating social learning through healthy environments that model and instill the values we ultimately want to teach—not over-control (Bandura, 1992), but compassionate containment (Winnicott, 1965). This responsibility does not fall on one parent or one teacher, but all adults interacting with a child or teen.

Some gurus criticize behavioral science as a whole, painting well-established behavioral techniques as coercive and harmful. They argue that behaviorism is to blame for issues like absenteeism, seclusion rooms, and restraints in schools. However, the problem lies in the flawed implementation of behaviorism, not the science itself (Henderlong & Lepper, 2002). Rather than starting from scratch or reinventing the wheel, we can help adults apply psychological science in a more developmentally appropriate and sophisticated way.

Rarely do social-emotional programs flesh out specific values for parents and professionals to model and reinforce in the day to day. However, there are clear norms for the group (e.g., contributing, sharing), for the self (e.g., practicing courage), and for both (e.g., making safe choices), which help individuals coexist and thrive in society. Adults can mindfully model and humanistically reinforce values daily, thereby establishing beneficial norms. Raising Moxie integrates these norms into programing and teaches these skills.

The Solution: Educating Adults

Raising Moxie empowers educators, physicians, and families to systematically guide and nurture children. By merging established science with common sense, we create effective, caring environments for childhood growth. Thanks to the solid foundation of scientific research behind our methods, we anticipate minimal to no side effects. This holds especially true when Raising Moxie supports schools and families in applying scientific principles early and consistently throughout children's education. Through Raising Moxie, I urge all adults who care for children to demand that society engages with kids in a manner that honors and celebrates the wonder and depth of childhood. When adults rely on developmental science and common sense, we can expect to raise a generation of emotionally capable children.

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